Friday, April 30, 2010
I realized tonight that if I don’t find an outlet for my emotions they will begin to consume me.
My Mom has Alzheimer’s disease.
And I am her Caregiver.
I know I am going to lose my Mom. I am afraid I am going to lose myself as well.
Ron and I were at the Annual ARP Awards dinner tonight and I was sharing with another couple about the biggest frustration (right now) with my Mom’s Alzheimer’s. If she were battling cancer, she could wake up every morning and say “I have to fight Cancer today!” But with AD she often wakes up in the morning wondering where she is or why she in my house. With AD you wake up you have forgotten you are even sick at all! How can fight a disease like that?
Later, after dinner, a beautiful young girl began to sing as part of the evening’s entertainment. Whitney Houston’s version of “I Will Always Love You”…. And I just lost it. I began to cry so hard that I quickly had to excuse myself from the table and go find a dark place to be alone. I realize then that I need to – that I MUST – give myself permission to grieve the DAILY loss of my mom. Yes, I am supposed to be the ‘Brave and Fearless Caregiver’ – but it will also be ok to be the ‘Cowardly and Selfish Child’ of this wonderful, brilliant woman who is being lost right before my eyes.
People have NO IDEA what this is like. Not my amazing, supportive husband – who followed me out of the tent tonight and just let me cry on his shoulder. Not my fantastic brother who has taken over all my mom’s finances and is losing his mom too - but not day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute in front of him.
I have made many enemies in my lifetime … but I would not wish this experience on anyone.
